ok. so remember when i wrote that russians were tough? yeah, well, they just upped the anty. i finally went to a russian banya. which is a combo steam room/sauna/torture chamber. but it does make you feel AMAZING. so i'm going back again in a few days. anyway, here's what happens...
i went to Sanduny Baths, the most famous, and one of the oldest banya's in moscow. it is divided between men's and women's buildings. http://www.sanduny.ru/en/ They offer a multitude of services, and have a salon/spa attached. and you can rent bathrobes, slippers, etc. you don't wear any clothing, save a sweaty sheet in the banya room, so the bathrobe is much needed.
no one speaks english there, so i translated all of the goods and services i wanted (bathrobe, slippers, towel, sheet, salt scrub, "healthy wash", etc). it came in quite handy. so you purchase your ticket to the banya, and it is kind of confusing, as you have a choice between VIP or regular room. it is $45 for 3 hours in the regular room, so we just went ahead and did that one. (next time i'm doing the VIP...but we'll get to that later). and then you are ushered into what looks like the locker room of a women's basketball team. lockers, padded benches, each with a numbered spot, and lots of women wrapped in towels as if just out of the shower after the big game. but, uh, these women are not as, well, in shape as a women's bball team. you get all shapes and sizes in the banya. old, young, large, small. so after you get over that shock, you get seated, and there is a whirlwind of activity as you order your goods and services. lots of gesturing, lots of me pointing and repeating myself, lots of me asking "say it again please?'. but we all get our goods, and get partnered with a "professional bather" who will show us the ropes. we strip down, and wrap ourselves in the sheets and ready ourselves for our first immersion into the banta (steam room/sauna/torture chamber). so we go in. and it is hot. like, seriously, mind-numbingly hot. and there is an upper deck, with stairs leading up to it. the steps are lined with ladies, slowly getting their bodies adjusted to the heat, and moving up the stairs one by one. so jess and i sit down quite low down on the steps. everything i've read says to take it slow. am fine with that, as can barely breathe on step two! so we chat quietly while the sweat drips off our faces and we pretend that we aren't naked sitting with 45 other naked women. i'm telling you, the banya leaves nothing to the imagination. no wonder we have sex in the dark, seriously. there was NOTHING attractive about 45 women sweating on each other. literally, the sweat was dripping off of us and onto each other cuz we were packed in so tightly. and then one of the women would stand up and beat herself with a bundle of birch branches, thus splashing her sweat all over the room. every so often, they clear out the banya for ventilation. when you are allowed back in, another "professional" is in there tossing water infused with eucalyptus into the oven of hot stones to create steam, and then she whirls around a towel to spread the heat and steam. so we are told to go into the banya for 5 minutes at a time. each time is followed by a plunge in an ICY ICY ICY cold bath. we shriek and shout and the russian ladies laugh at us. oh, and the barrels of icy water are just outside the banya, in what literally looks like a gym shower room. with shower heads on the walls, and troughs where you can rinse, and the torture barrels. and then after plunging, you wrap yourself in the sweaty sheet, go back to your spot in the locker room, and have a spot of tea while you relax and get ready for the next round!
one thing we noticed is that most all of the women in the banya wear these cute little felt hats. they all look like little elves, squatting or sitting huddled together in the heat wearing the hats. so we had to buy them!!! here it is:
i went to Sanduny Baths, the most famous, and one of the oldest banya's in moscow. it is divided between men's and women's buildings. http://www.sanduny.ru/en/ They offer a multitude of services, and have a salon/spa attached. and you can rent bathrobes, slippers, etc. you don't wear any clothing, save a sweaty sheet in the banya room, so the bathrobe is much needed.
no one speaks english there, so i translated all of the goods and services i wanted (bathrobe, slippers, towel, sheet, salt scrub, "healthy wash", etc). it came in quite handy. so you purchase your ticket to the banya, and it is kind of confusing, as you have a choice between VIP or regular room. it is $45 for 3 hours in the regular room, so we just went ahead and did that one. (next time i'm doing the VIP...but we'll get to that later). and then you are ushered into what looks like the locker room of a women's basketball team. lockers, padded benches, each with a numbered spot, and lots of women wrapped in towels as if just out of the shower after the big game. but, uh, these women are not as, well, in shape as a women's bball team. you get all shapes and sizes in the banya. old, young, large, small. so after you get over that shock, you get seated, and there is a whirlwind of activity as you order your goods and services. lots of gesturing, lots of me pointing and repeating myself, lots of me asking "say it again please?'. but we all get our goods, and get partnered with a "professional bather" who will show us the ropes. we strip down, and wrap ourselves in the sheets and ready ourselves for our first immersion into the banta (steam room/sauna/torture chamber). so we go in. and it is hot. like, seriously, mind-numbingly hot. and there is an upper deck, with stairs leading up to it. the steps are lined with ladies, slowly getting their bodies adjusted to the heat, and moving up the stairs one by one. so jess and i sit down quite low down on the steps. everything i've read says to take it slow. am fine with that, as can barely breathe on step two! so we chat quietly while the sweat drips off our faces and we pretend that we aren't naked sitting with 45 other naked women. i'm telling you, the banya leaves nothing to the imagination. no wonder we have sex in the dark, seriously. there was NOTHING attractive about 45 women sweating on each other. literally, the sweat was dripping off of us and onto each other cuz we were packed in so tightly. and then one of the women would stand up and beat herself with a bundle of birch branches, thus splashing her sweat all over the room. every so often, they clear out the banya for ventilation. when you are allowed back in, another "professional" is in there tossing water infused with eucalyptus into the oven of hot stones to create steam, and then she whirls around a towel to spread the heat and steam. so we are told to go into the banya for 5 minutes at a time. each time is followed by a plunge in an ICY ICY ICY cold bath. we shriek and shout and the russian ladies laugh at us. oh, and the barrels of icy water are just outside the banya, in what literally looks like a gym shower room. with shower heads on the walls, and troughs where you can rinse, and the torture barrels. and then after plunging, you wrap yourself in the sweaty sheet, go back to your spot in the locker room, and have a spot of tea while you relax and get ready for the next round!
one thing we noticed is that most all of the women in the banya wear these cute little felt hats. they all look like little elves, squatting or sitting huddled together in the heat wearing the hats. so we had to buy them!!! here it is:
the neat thing is, you can dunk it in cold water so that it helps keep your head cool while you are sweating in the heat. anyway, we felt much better when wearing them. we totally fit in now!
ok, so one of the services we purchased, was a "beating" with birth branches (Venik). after a couple of rounds in the banya, the professional came and escorted me into the banya, second floor (yikes!), and lay me down on a bench, face down. completely nude, except i had to wear the hat. ha ha! and then she slapped me up and down with the birch branches. slapped them, dragged them, mushed them into my skin. then she told me to flip over. so i did. and she indicated that i cover up, um, "the girls" with my hands. for protection i guess? and then she slapped my front side. and just when i thought i couldn't breathe anymore, she sat me up and led me outside, bits of leaf stuck to me all over the place. she sat me down in a plastic chair next to a tub. then she and another professional took turns tossing buckets of water on me. the buckets were filled with either icy cold, or luke warm water, and i didn't know what was coming. so...more shrieking and laughing! it was hilarious. everyone was laughing. and later, we caught the professionals re=enacting my behavior for the rest of the staff...they were flailing their arms and shrieking in high pitched voices. it's fine. i'm fine with having made a fool of myself at the russian banya. cuz as we were leaving, the professionals came up to us and said "devushki, bila ochien harasho. ochien harasho. spasiba bolshoi." (which basically means, ladies, you did a great job, really good. thank you very much.). proud!
one super cute thing was that a few of the ladies brought their little girls...ranging in age from 4 to maybe 10. they were in little animal robes, with little pandas or ducks for the hoods. and they wore crocs. they were only allowed on the first step in the banya, and only for 1 minute, then their moms shooed them out. and they played in the shower room, running all around, splashing water on each other. very cute.
so after all of that, we were pretty mellowed out, but with great mental clarity. i had been a bit sick, but that cleared out my sinuses and chest better than any mucinex could! i can see why this is such a regular part of russian life. it's amazing. once you get over the sweaty bits.
and the BEST part...ok, so we shared our bench with a local. and we greeted each other, but didn't say much after that. until we were leaving. she busted out with english, and asked us if we were regulars. HA HA HA HA! she thought that we were because I WAS SPEAKING RUSSIAN. woo hoo!! all of my gesticulating and pointing and baby-russian-speak impressed her and she thought we were regulars!! amazing. i gotta say, this experience was not only good for my health, it was good for my language skills. i was pretty proud that i was able to translate for all my friends, place our orders, understand the instructions, and even negotiate some mistakes on our bill. again, proud!
so if you come to russia, you MUST do a banya. it's an amazing experience. one i won't soon forget.
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